17 February 2011
Successful Intentions Newsletter
Hi ,
Life sure feels like a see-saw sometimes!
Feeling up one moment and down the next. But what causes you to feel “un-balanced”? What kinds of situations “trigger” you? And who seems to know how to “push your buttons”? It all depends on what you’re feeling, thinking and sensing at the time.
And you may be surprised to find yourself playing out old childhood patterns: “That sounds like my mother!” “I feel hurt and lonely!” “give me what I want!” “I don’t care anymore!” “Alright, you win, as usual!”
That’s because of our schemas - extremely stable, enduring negative patterns that develop in childhood and adolescence and persist, often subconsciously, throughout life. Schemas are formed when our needs aren’t met during childhood and then the schema prevents similar needs from being fulfilled in adulthood.
When you feel like you’re flipping from one end of the emotional scale to the other it’s often because you’ve aroused one of your schemas. And you’re struggling to keep the “see-saw” in balance.
There are four kinds of see-saw:
Abandoned Child
At one end of this see-saw you feel sorrowful, frantic, frightened, unloved, lost. You feel helpless and utterly alone. You might have fantasies about someone who will rescue you, or feel desperate to prevent your partner, colleague, or friend from abandoning you. At the other end of this see-saw you find your own inner nurturer. You feel self-sufficient and able to discern a good relationship from a dysfunctional one.
Angry and Impulsive Child
This see-saw is characterised by feeling enraged when your needs aren’t met. You might act impulsively, without thinking about it, to get your needs met. You feel “something building up inside” while these needs and feelings accumulate. And then it only takes some “last straw” event for your see-saw to flip into anger. At the other end you express your needs honestly and directly. And you “fight fair” to find a healthy solution.
Punitive Parent
This is the internalized voice of one or both of your parents punishing you for doing something “wrong”. You experience self-loathing, self-denial, self-criticism. You become your own critical parent and you speak to yourself and others harshly. At the other end of this see-saw you find a more nurturing image of parental influence. You assert the right to hold your own views and make your own judgments. You see “right and wrong” as consequences of what you do rather than who you are.
Detached Protector
The function of this see-saw is to cut off emotional needs, disconnect from others, and behave submissively in order to avoid punishment. You may feel aloof, uncaring, analytical. You may retreat to your own private world of thoughts, images and imagination in order to shut off from your partner, friends, or colleagues. And you may drink or take drugs to “self-sooth”. At the other end you remain connected to your feelings. You take a stand, assert yourself. You find healthy ways of meeting your needs and overcoming conflict.
Chances are , you’re trying to balance one or more of these see-saws right now! So here's a worksheet you can download that might help you identify which see-saw you’re on and what you can tell yourself in order to find a better balance in life, no matter what “triggers” you: http://www.intentional.com.au/docs/See-Saw_Worksheet.pdf
Explore my “Wisdom Circle” blog for musings, research, and applications of practical wisdom here: http://www.peterwebb.com.au/
Keep your intentions clear,
Peter Webb
If you like this newsletter, please forward it to a friend. Subscribe here: http://www.intentional.com.au/newsletter.html
Home |
Blog |
Manage subscription (Unsubscribe, change e-mail, text only)
