21 December 2010
Successful Intentions Newsletter
Ho Ho Ho!
It's Christmas time, cheer up!
Truth is, Christmas is often a bad time for relationships. And it's not just too much food and alcohol. Have you noticed it's always the little things that mark the turning points in a relationship? Something said or not said, the inflections of voice, the tilt of the head.
Are you paying attention?
Research shows sustainable relationships in families or at work have to do with the way people, in mundane moments in everyday life, make attempts at emotional communication. And importantly, how others around them respond, or fail to respond to these attempts.
It's all about the "bid" - the fundamental unit of emotional communication. A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch - any single expression that says "I want to feel connected to you". How do you bid for attention, and how do you respond when someone bids for your attention?
There are three kinds of responses to a bid:
Turn Toward. This has the most positive results. It tells the bidder:
- I hear you.
- I'm interested in you.
- I understand you (or would like to).
- I'm on your side.
- I'd like to help you (whether I can or not).
- I'd like to be with you (whether I can or not).
- I accept you (even if I don't accept all your behaviour).
Turn Away. This is what happens when you fail to pay attention to another's bid for attention. The message to the bidder is:
- I don't care about your bid.
- I want to avoid your bid.
- I'm not interested in your interests.
- I've got more important things on my mind.
- I'm too busy to pay attention to your bid.
- Your bid is not worth my time.
- I want to be more independent than you want me to be.
Turn Against. This means responding to a bid for connection in a negative way. This type of behaviour says:
- Your need for attention makes me angry.
- I feel hostile toward you.
- I don't respect you.
- I don't value you or this relationship.
- I want to hurt you.
- I want to drive you away.
Guess what? We all give these three responses at any given point in a relationship. But the turning points occur around their frequency. Sustainable relationships exhibit Turn Toward responses at least 5 times more frequently than either of the other responses combined!
So this Christmas , notice how you make your bids, and watch out for the responses!
Explore my "Wisdom Circle" blog for musings, research, and applications of practical wisdom!
Keep your intentions clear,
Peter Webb
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